DeviantArt, oh deviantArt. My old friends and my old blog... I seriously miss this place!
Over the two past years, I have become too unmotivated to express myself in my dA journal I almost abandoned it. The reason behind this is fear of being exposed. As an unspiritual individual from a religious family that would convict you of thought crime, it's just natural to end up living with a double identity. This is a shit situation, but it's not my fault, and I really miss speaking up my mind without restrictions. I think it's about time I get back to it.
I am an easy going person at my best, fairly cold blooded when the mood strikes, but still harmlessly indifferent. But recently, I have become unusually grumpy and irritable. I am frustrated, having to face a major failure in my life.
I'm writing this as I stare at "The Social Experiment", a text document on my computer. This personal journal of mine is a listing of every person I have met in the last year, including my analysis of their personality, as well as my current relationship with them and what it could possibly develop into.
Those of you who have watched me since I joined until late 2013 know that I used to suffer extreme depression when I was living in Saudi. That had continued to happen for years while I was living in a near-complete solitude, and it continued until I decided to move to Malaysia. And here we're, I moved in March 2014, and a year has passed already.
That was the first part of this "social experiment"; the huge leap of coming out from my shell of near-complete social isolation, into the academic world, and building up my social instincts from scratch. Despite having been an extremely difficult process (as expected), I had been anticipating a major positive change to my social life with this step; being in a very diverse country that promotes and tolerates differences.
However, my social standings are almost exactly the way they were one year ago.
This reality is partially a circumstance and partially a preference. I am an unsociable person who dislikes small talk. However, the uncontrollable circumstance in this case is the lack of like-minded geeks or intellectuals; people who share at least a bit of my interests and can communicate about them in a technical language. For me, that's what sparks my interest in a person and keeps a conversation going.
The above is point one; I've had a very hard time finding a single interesting person from the hundreds I have met with whom I could make interesting conversations. But that's on a personal level. Zooming out to see whole picture, it's clear that I am a generally excluded individual.
Social circles here are based on culture and ethnicity, and as one of the only 5 foreign students in a class of 100 locals, it's just reasonable that I'm left out from almost every social circle. And although I still have chances at socializing in some of them, I am still alienated by the common atmosphere as other members tend to communicate in one of the local languages despite my presence.
That is point two. As you can see, most people don't have difficulty finding peer friends, and almost every single one of them is naturally admitted into a social circle that accepts them the way they're. Those people can get help when they need it, and they can get company when they want it. They never go out alone because they don't have or prefer to. Not to mention the occasional birthday parties that I see the pictures of on Facebook or hear about by complete chance, but have never been invited to any of.
I am an introvert, and I will prefer solitude over company a lot of the time. But then again, being an absolute lone wolf is not my choice. It's way less beneficial than being a member of a group and beats the whole purpose of my experiment.
Now in spite of this shit, all of this alienation comes in the way of my dating opportunities. I can find alternative opportunities online or via outside activities, sure, but that doesn't mitigate the loss of being an overlooked individual in my primary academic environment.
In the end, I stand now and think, I can hardly count two or three individuals who have been exposed to the full depth of my mind, be it in an intellectual or emotional sense. Either way, to think that the majority of people have built deep friendships during this whole year, while I only have a few who have gone past scratching the surface of my mind, is a very depressing thought. We humans need to be known and appreciated for who we are by people that we admire and acknowledge and respect.
I don't know what's up next. It's never too late to find those technical people who understand me. In the end, I prefer quality over quantity. I just hope I won't have to be overlooked for much longer.